Staff

This short story was inspired by the word “staphylococcus”, provided by Joe Heyman of Elmhurst, Illinois.

Pete blasted out of the PetSmart manager’s office, and made a bee line for the dry dog food. His arms pumped furiously, as if in a sprint, while the rest of his body never transitioned beyond a power walk. It seemed like a lot of energy, for relatively little locomotion. With much grunting and gasping, Pete pulled three thirty-pound bags of Purina off the shelf, stacked them, and climbed to the top.

“Attention everyone!” he declared. “Staff meeting! Staff meeting!”

Pete looked around in dismay. The store needed to open in fifteen minutes, and the lights weren’t even on. Connie walked toward him from the break room. She wasn’t in her polo yet.

“Connie, where’s Kelly?”

“I don’t know. Not here yet, I guess”, said Connie.

Pete’s lips tightened over his teeth. “Okay, team listen up! I need your attention!”

Connie looked around. She was the only one there.

Pete continued, at full-voice, from his dog food pulpit. “Team, it looks like we have a staff infection.”

“Wait…what?” said Connie.

“We have a staff infection. Some bug is going around, and now most of our staff has called off sick.”

“That’s not what a staph infection is.”

“Look, I don’t have time to debate terminology with you right now,” sputtered Pete. “We’re going to be seriously short staffed today, so I need you on the register.”

“Pete, can you please come down from there?” asked Connie. Pete, deflating a bit, stepped down. “Thank you”, Connie continued. “Now. I’m not trained on the register.”

“What are you talking about? You’ve been working here for six months.”

“And, you’ve never trained me on the register.”

Pete looked like someone had stolen his kidney while he was sleeping.

“Okay but…fine. That’s fine. I…uh…I’ll cover the register. You…you walk the floor and stock where needed. Okay that’s it. Finish opening up. I’ll be in the office until we open.”

“That’s in ten minutes” said Connie.

Pete just held up his hand, and power-walked back toward the office door. He was seething.

How could they all be sick? I warned them that this was going to be a rough flu season! Had no one gotten their shots? You wash your hands! You take your vitamins! Fluids, people, fluids! Now I’ve got four call-offs, and one no-show. Ridiculous!

Pete slammed the door of the office. He stood there with his eyes crunched shut.

Okay, I’ll do that breath counting thing. In for four…and out for four… in for five…and out for five….

Pete made it up to seven. He opened his eyes, and his newly found calm drained away immediately as he found himself staring straight at the wall clock. It was 7:55 A.M., five minutes until the store was supposed to open.

Fuck. This isn’t worth it.

Pete had been part time shift manager at the Skokie branch of PetSmart for just over a year. Prior to that, he has just been a retail associate, and had basically fallen up. This was just supposed to just be a temporary thing. After all, had no particular passion for pet care. He’d never even owned any pets — too messy, and he was allergic to the good ones. But Pete was organized, and showed up on time, and was a few years older than most of the team. In retail, that’s sometimes all it takes. Now he regretted every life choice that had led him to this moment.

Bang! Bang! Bang! Connie opened the door. “Hey Pete, we’ve got customers.” Connie wasn’t anxious at all. For a moment, Pete was agog at her seeming lack of concern.

Doesn’t she know that the next six hours will be a whirlwind of pet-related awfulness concentrated solely on the two of us? Doesn’t she realize how pissed off everyone’s going to be that the groomer didn’t show up today? No nail trimmings for Bella the Pomeranian! No lion cut for Sheba the terror cat! We don’t even have anyone to restock the shelves, or clean up messes, or scoop of little fishes in to bags of water! People will blame us for all of this! How can she be so disaffected by the shit storm that’s about to rain down upon us?!

“Connie, where is your polo?”

“I’m wearing it under my hoodie.”

“Connie…what do you think is the point of having a uniform, if the customers can’t eventell that you’re wearing it?! How are they supposed to know you even work here when you’re dressed like that?! Are you planning to explain to each and every person that comes in here that you are wearing a blue PetSmart polo, but that they just can’t see it, because it’s under your…what…One Direction hoodie?!”

Connie sighed. “It’s cold in here, Pete.”

Pete stared at her for a moment.

Fuck. It is cold in here.

Pete walked over to the thermostat, and began fiddling with it.

No, no, no, no this can’t be broken…

“Shit. Shit!”

“Pete, I’m going to open up” said Connie, disappearing from the doorway. Despite it being really quite cold, Pete was now visibly sweaty. His mind raced.

I could just walk out. I could just leave out the back door right now, and never return to this place. I could move someplace warm, where no one would ever find me. I would never have to pretend to like a dog again. Just leave, Peter. Just lay down your name tag, and end this. Don’t look back. Be free.

But Pete didn’t do any of that. Instead, he tore off his shirt and tie, struggled into polo that was one size too small, and made his way out to the cash register.