This Easter, I thought it would be appropriate to share a passage from Donald Trump’s “God Bless America” Bible.

Donald 45:

On the first day of the week, which should be a Monday if you think about it, everybody thinks of Monday as the first day of the week, quite frankly. But this was a Sunday, and Mary, not the mother Mary but the hooker one, she and some other ladies, very fine ladies, went to Jesus’s tomb to put some spices on Jesus’s body, which was a very great body, the best body, everyone was saying so.

Now when they got there, the tomb was just wide open! The stone had been rolled away. And Mary Magdalene said “This is not good. We paid a lot of money for this tomb. They don’t make tombs like they used to, I’ll tell you that.” Then they saw that Jesus’s body was gone too, and they thought that a bunch of illegals had come and taken his beautiful body away. Very sad.

But then two angels appeared wearing white hoods, and they explained that Jesus had just received a small loan of eternal life from his father. Just beautiful.

After that Jesus started popping up everywhere. He appeared to Peter and the apostles. He even came to visit me at Mar-a-Lago. He showed me the holes in his hands. Nasty stuff. But of course I loved it.

And Jesus said to me, he said “Donald, because I have died for your sins, everyone should just forgive you for all of the crimes you’ve done, and all of the crimes you will ever do, not that you’ve done any crimes, and the president is totally allowed to do crimes, and don’t let anyone ban the AR-15. It’s a beautiful story, really. The best story.